3 weeks to go. Am I excited … yes…. am I scared….yes….. It kinda feels like 2 different trips… 1 to go to Forest Lawn and the other 2to have my first proper holiday with friends, just being tourists and not going to some Michael event etc.
I have to be happy and excited cos my sister is staying with at the moment. She dosn’t get the whole Michael thing, dosnt know how much it has affected me, dosn’t realise how much pain I’m going though, dosnt realise that I cry nearly everyday. So as a result, I’m all happy and bouncy about going to LA, the pain and heartache I keep secret.
In a way, all the happy bouncy excitment is masking how scared I am. I have to go to Forest Lawn, to face the reality, to try to make sense of this deep pain, to figure out where to go from here.
But this trip is also the first time in my life, that I actually feel like Im going on a real proper holiday. For the first time in my life, Ive been buying “holiday” clothes, “holiday toiletries” etc. The last time I went on a “proper” holiday like this was 18 years ago, when we went on our first and only family holiday to Florida. That was the one and only time Ive been to Disneyland and Universal studios, and it kinda feels like all the things I wanted to do on that holiday but couldnt cos I was with my family, I can now do.
Is it wrong to feel like this… that Im looking forward to my holiday, and just blocking out the real reason why I will be in LA, blocking out going to Forest Lawn….
I do know, though, that if I didnt have this holiday in LA to keep my mind off June 25, then most likely I wouldnt be able to cope, would be in such a deep depression, that I would not be able to function…..